The Last Internet Poll

With Apologies to Walker Percy

I recently finished Walker Percy’s brilliant and very odd book “Lost In the Cosmos”. Littered throughout the book were pointed questions regarding how the reader would react to all sorts of strange scenarios. I thought it would be fun to make some polls in the same spirit that would make the poor man want to haunt my house. A post in the future will go into more detail about this wonderful book, but for now let’s see what answers we get.

*Note: I believe you have to be a subscriber to answer the polls. This is a Substack thing and not anything I set. So this would be as good a time as any to smash that Subscribe button! No worries if you don’t, you can still see the results.*

The Self and Politics

Most every normal man has no impact on the politics of his local area, let alone the nation, yet he will spend countless hours arguing with people online and making long explanations of his thought, though there’s no way for the vast majority to get more than a niche following. With this in mind, the main reason you talk politics online is:

a) It’s simply sports in another form, with Red Team and Blue Team cheering on players you can’t impact. You have fun and it makes you feel part of something bigger..

b) You are different, and you will break the mold to punch way above your weight and enact change.

c) You get to interact with lots of interesting people and get a dopamine rush with the likes.

d) Regardless of the small role you play, the state of everything is in such bad shape you have to do something, no matter how pointless.

e) Your regular life is excruciatingly boring, and politics is an outlet to stand above, looking down. Scientists get immersed with their work, artists draw and write, and you post online. It’s all an escape into orbit looking down at the world instead of being in the world.

Tomorrow your ideal world comes to pass, and every grievance you wrote about was fixed by society through a miraculous intervention. You find you have nothing to post or argue about online anymore. You feel:

a) Happy, as now the crisis is averted, and you can give up politics entirely.

b) Bittersweet, since politics is a trial by fire, and you miss not having a worthy opponent.

c) Sad, since you realize your political stances were arbitrary and shitposting was just a way to pass the time.

d) Indifferent, since you would just find something else to argue with people about.

Tomorrow, all social media was destroyed, and all political argumentations thrown to the dustbin. The issues still remain, but there is no longer any outlet online to discuss the issues, but also nothing to get outraged about. This would make your life:

a) Better, since now you don’t have to worry about anxieties of what’s going on with the world and just grill.

b) Better, since this will force more organic organizations and your neighbors won’t be propagandized by the internet to be your enemy.

c) Worse, since you lost a huge tool of influence and networking with like-minded people.

d) Worse, since you have a hole in your life where politics online used to be.

e) Indifferent, since you will just find new worries and hobbies to reach an equilibrium.

The Self and Community

A spirit visits you, and tells you of an infinite number of parallel Earth’s that exist in the cosmos. The spirit asks you the general social structure of the ideal world you want to live in. Do you:

a) Want the whole world to look the same, have the same general abilities, and the same culture. Such homogeneity will spell the end of war.

b) Want the world to have two distinct classes, the elite you are a part of has diversity of thought, opinion, and ethnicity. The undifferentiated masses you rule over have none.

c) Want the world to have distinct ethnicities, culture, and abilities, but spread throughout the globe. This will make diversity of thought the most powerful even if it leads to civil conflict.

d) Want every ethnicity, culture, etc. to have its own homeland, even if this will likely lead to massive WWII scale wars.

A new Caesar ascends into power, and immediately realizes there’s a need to limit discord in this vast nation. Because homogenous communities work best, he has decided to reinstate freedom of association. You are his advisor and are charged with determining what associations will ensure the best community cohesion. Assuming all subversives in the category will be rooted out and exiled, and taking into account the interplay between these forces, what do you consider most fundamentally important for cohesion?

a) Culture

b) Religion

c) Ethnicity

d) Rootedness in the area

e) Intelligence

The new Caesar also realizes the need for fresh blood in a community to keep their genetics from becoming too inbred and stopping the society from becoming too insular. With this in mind, what would be the ideal form of immigration into said community?

a) Low immigration, very close in likeness, aggressive assimilation efforts

b) Low immigration, very distant in likeness, aggressive assimilation efforts

c) High Immigration, very close in likeness, aggressive assimilation efforts

d) Low immigration, very distant in likeness, low assimilation efforts

e) High immigration, very distant in likeness, low assimilation efforts

Finally, the Caesar is contemplating how connected to the outside world these communities will be. With the birth of the internet there is worry many of these communities will be subverted and destroyed by propaganda, so some limits need to be in place. You decide the best options is.

a) Full connection to outside world. Full freedom of information enshrined in charter.

b) Outside media de-facto restricted to whatever is decided through democratic vote

c) Outside media de-facto restricted to whatever is decided through community elites

d) Open unless decided subversive by community elites on a case-by-case basis

e) Open unless decided subversive by democratic vote on a case-by-case basis

The Self and Loyalties

A demon rises from the pits of hell and appears by your bedside. He has decided to torture you with a horrifying conundrum, and you are doomed to decide who will be sacrificed. Note that this a “just popped in there” scenario, where your first instinct is what the demon will take as your answer. You are not responsible for the cataclysm. You are given the following questions.

Would you save your Children or the continent of Australia (assume you don't live in Australia)?

Would you save your extended family or the city El Paso, Texas?

Would you save ten acquaintances in your community or a town of 5000 in the Midwest?

Would you save a distant stranger who believes the same things you do and has the same history as you or 100 fans watching a baseball game?

The Self and Sex

An alien race called the Androginites land on Earth. While humanity is advancing, they believe having two sexes uncivilized, as they relieved their population of the even more complicated three sexes long ago in favor of a far more scientific approach. They find especially strange the disconnect between sex and reproduction, and they teleport you to a chamber where you will decide your ideal pairing. They give you some options based on human preferences, but note there is no chance of cheating or dissolving the union and there will still be regular spousal tensions and animosities:

a) You are beautiful, your mate is beautiful, your match is infertile. You will have a happy marriage without children.

b) You are beautiful, your mate is ugly, your match is fertile. You enjoy having the upper hand in the marriage.

c) You are ugly, your mate is beautiful, your match is fertile. You enjoy marrying about your class even though it will cause resentment in your spouse.

d) You are ugly, your mate is ugly, your match is fertile. An equal marriage is best, and you get to have kids.

The Androginites decide to accelerate humanity’s supposed progress by eliminating a sex, making every woman only able to bear the sex you choose, making the other sex extinct within a few generations. You have to decide which sex can still be born. Do you choose:

a) Male (You are male)

b) Male (You are female)

c) Female (You are male)

d) Female (You are female)

The Self and The Other

The nation of Evilopolis has been terrorizing the land for decades, nearly exterminating all of your people. You finally get the upper hand and destroyed their army. You march in and are completely at your mercy, but are still defiant and vow to get their revenge. Do you.

a) Exterminate the entire people, as this is the only way to ensure peace.

b) Smash their idols, kill all the military-aged males, and take the compliant females as war brides, permanently destroying their cultural transmission.

c) Conduct a brutal occupation with a harsh criminal code, with the hopes that in time you will remove the violence and animosity from their culture.

d) Set a missionary expedition with mass propaganda that will slowly assimilate them to your culture.

e) Let them be, as you are confident if they attack again, you can defeat them.

Your people are running out of the rare substance Unobtainium, and a massive deposit is found in a pristine planet full of Blue Hippies (yes, this is Avatar). They have zero interest in trade, have no interest in negotiations, and consider you an intruder. What is your recommended course of action?

a) Who cares about Blue Hippies? Mine the Unobtainium! Crush them if they resist!

b) Mine it against their wishes, but try to keep impact to a minimum. Take whatever military means necessary to defend yourself on their planet, but keep it to a minimum, even if this means loss of personnel. The Blue Hippies will still suffer some death and suffering though.

c) Disguise yourself as a Blue Hippie and propagandize and subvert the population to compliance, then take over when they are psychologically compromised.

d) Leave them completely alone, even though this will mean much suffering and death for your people.

In Rendezvous With Rama, an massive unknown spaceship entered the Solar System. You send an expedition to scour the ship, which is full of alien devices and technologies beyond your comprehension. No communication is possible with the Aliens on the ship, if there are any at all. As it gets closer to Earth, it may be a threat to your existence. With this in mind, what will you do?

a) Nuke it from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

b) Let it come. It has shown no intent to harm and the crime of destroying a ship that has not shown aggression in unconscionable.

The Self and This Substack

Now that you read through this entire article, what is your feedback?

a) Wow! That was fun and invigorating!

b) That was… different

c) I could use that time back

d) Don’t write anything like that ever again you weirdo.

e) Other (answer in comments)