Mr. and Mrs. Good Enough

Marriage Needs to be a Little Mercenary

This is the monthly preview post. I’m shifting things around a little at Social Matter because, while I’m not quitting my day job anytime soon, I have dreams of making what is now an interesting and fruitful hobby into something I can turn into a second career.

Back in my twenties, I was part of a co-ed young adults’ group. Like most cliques of this nature, people attended them more as an avenue for finding a romantic partner than anything else. One of my buddies was an established software developer taking home a reasonable paycheck but missing all social tact. He inherited a house from his grandparents, still adorned with all their archaic furniture. Dressing like a nerd out of the 1950’s, he was notorious for incessantly asking every single girl for dates. Needless to say, he gave them the ‘ick’. A newcomer came and, as expected, he asked her on a date within a couple weeks. Surprisingly, she said “yes”. They continued dating and after a few months he proposed to her. To the horror of the others, she said “yes” again.

The women’s clique went to lunch with her and staged what amounted to an intervention, asking what in blazes she was thinking. She was established, reasonably attractive, and still young. In the interrogation, she stated he was stable, would be a good father, and she could count on his loyalty. The romantic infatuation of early love was non-existent, and she spoke in terms of utility more than anything. To some ears this will sound like a grotesque compromise that goes against everything a marriage should be, but anyone who is honest knows there’s a spectrum between exciting romance and practicality, and everyone makes decisions based on what their priorities are.

They’ve been married around thirteen years now with three kids. When I catch up, both seem content. She’s not getting an exciting life, but a reliable husband who is present. He’s likely not getting a love life that knocks him off his feet, but it’s not a dead bedroom either. A lot of people would kill for that arrangement. These sorts of transactional thoughts go to the highest echelons of power, such as when Ivanka Trump was famously asked if she would have married Donald Trump if he wasn’t rich, she replied back that he wouldn’t have married her is she wasn’t beautiful.

Over time you see every sort of family dynamic. Quite often, you see ones that make you wonder how the husband or wife can refrain from running out the door. I have a friend who is a total workhorse while his wife is the opposite. Ornery, obese, and very lazy. He’s also the most maritally satisfied man I know. I also know an opposite case where the husband lulls around on the couch scrolling his phone while his wife handles both the kids and cooking. Again, she is perfectly happy with the relationship. Of course, I also see everywhere else in the middle. Needs are being met, even if they are unconscious or irrational.

These mediums of stability did not occur through long, drawn-out conversations. Equilibrium did not form through an objective framing of the facts of life or their personal abilities. They happen in the unconscious level, primed through hormones, past experience, instinctual wants, forward-thinking goals, and plain old practicality. As much as people want their spouse to change, they have a large number of immutable aspects you just learn to deal with and come to an understanding that complaining isn’t going to change anything, and sulking about one’s situation is a waste of emotion.

Little of what is deemed objective criteria for marital health pertain to every couple. Some couples talk all the time, some barely ever. Some go out constantly, some are homebodies. Some have an active sex life; some barely ever get under the sheets together. If you read through relationship advice online, especially social media, talking about some of the above situations will likely create responses with “toxic” or “emotional abuse”. The internet is full of advice on how to turn your marriage from “okay” into “electric”. While there’s nothing wrong with improving one’s relationship, quite often the disappointment with realizing that your ideal “electric” marriage is never going to happen turns an “okay” marriage into an insufferable one. They run into hard limits and take it personally.